My "Stay-At-Home" Moms

No, my dad was not a bigamist.  But the soul of this man is privileged to have been nurtured by two "stay-at-home" moms.  

To the "stay-at-home" mother of my boys.

You sacrificed so much in the past 5 years.  I remember my heartache of dropping Asher off at child-care because we needed you to work and I wasn’t done with grad school.  I can’t imagine what your own heart felt.

And now you have sacrificed the financial security of that job to be available to the boys.  I can tell you I have so much more peace now, knowing that you are there for them and with them. 

The boys we created together are delightful and wonderful and awesome.  But they have not been easy.  From Asher’s first year of reflux to Zephan’s fire-alarm loud calls for beverage cart service in middle of the night, you have endured admirably.  I know your honesty about the difficulties has also encouraged other moms and made them feel less lonely in their own struggles.  I think vulnerability about this very fundamental mom-identity (where the illusion of ever elusive perfectionism is to be maintained at all cost) may be the most courageous vulnerability of all. 

Thank you for being there for our boys, and for their father. It seems appropriate to end with the words of our eldest: “You’re the best one ever.”  We adore you.

For MY Mom

By the time I got to high school, my parents had the reputation of being “strict” because of curfews and some social restrictions and things.  People that had the so-called “cool” parents were more permissive.   But I can tell you that growing up, I definitely had the “cool mom.”  I remember “cooking soup” in the kitchen with my mom.  This basically involved me standing on a stool and being allowed to put any spices I wanted into a simmering pot and stirring.  I have no memory of tasting this “soup” which must mean either my mom talked me out of it, or I have buried that memory DEEP in my subconscious.  Along similar lines I remember the day my mom allowed me to attempt to make “mint juice” by grinding mint plants that grew on our property in a meat grinder and catching the “juice” in a cup.  Anyway, I attribute my current joy as a mad-scientist-style culinary "artist" to my mom. Once she even let my brother and I grind balloons in the meat grinder just because we wanted to see what would happen.  I’m sure in each of these scenarios, my MOM already knew what would happen (gross tasting hot water, undrinkably-bitter green “juice” and shredded balloons).  But she let us explore and find out for ourselves!  What a gift!

I also remember a LOT of reading with my mom.  Lots of stories of adventure and heroism.  I’m sure the reading we did is what has made me a reader today.  Along with that, my mom would take dictation and write stories that I told to go along with pictures I drew.  She treated (and still does treat) each of them as a work of art; the great American novel of a 7 year old.  My mom has held on to my creations and cherished my talents for three and a half decades.

Lastly, I remember (after reading) having fairly long conversations with my mom before bed.  She sat on the edge of the bed listening and talking and asking questions and listening some more.  I have no idea what we talked about, but I'm sure her esteem of what I had to say gave me confidence that I DID have something to say; that maybe I was worth listening to.  

As I have gotten older, her care and interest in me has not waned even slightly.  She is still my fan and will now eat my creations and read my blog and still listens to what I have to say.  

As I observe relationships, I see a lot of Genesis 2:24 being lived out.  It's stereotypical, but it seems to me that boys tend to become men who marry and leave their families, while women tend to stick closer; emotionally if not geographically.  (I confess I have forgotten my mom’s birthday before.  And Mothers Day.  She has never been anything but gracious.)

I expect this is a loss to mothers of boys.  To my mom.  Be that as it is, I want my mom to know today that I know and understand her love for me (now that I have children) in a way that I never did before.  I feel the blessing of being shaped by you and given by God into your arms.  I am SO thankful.

Marriage Rules for Men

I read somewhere that men were more reluctant to get married but ultimately rated their marriage satisfaction higher than women.  Therefore: marriage rules for men.  But men feel like they don’t MAKE the rules in marriage.  If the latter is actually true, chances are its also the reason for the former being true.  This blog is about both of these things.

For a number of years in various forms, there have circulated lists of “The Man Rules.” A number of these lists have lots of rules about freedom to watch sports and women that one is not married to.  I don’t like watching sports and I do like my marriage so I have edited those rules out.  Generally, for guys that want to do whatever they want, I recommend loneliness.  Demanding whatever you think you want is a great way to live with a completely self-centered person.  Yourself.  I got a taste of it once and it helped me realize what I REALLY want.  Still, the “man-rules” are funny. This is my personal “best of” selection.  With commentary in italics. 

“Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. We do it all the time. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

I love this rule.  I hate toilet seat entitlement.  I grew up in a house where men outnumbered women 3:1.  I ALSO have two boys.  Guess what?  The toilet seats stay DOWN in our house.

1. Ask for what you want. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

This is a tad ironic as I think lots of guys expect stuff from their wives that they NEVER communicate.  I think women don’t say it because the spontaneity is lost.  Guys don’t because: a) they aren’t even conscious of what they want, or b) cause they’re scared of rejection.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.  I love this one too. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.  Brilliant.  Even as an academic that spends a lot of time analyzing words, I can say it.  Women have taken it too far. 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.  Sometimes I wish I could just be physically possessed by Beth for short periods so that she could do the things she thinks only I can do but don't know how (or can't remember that I'm supposed to).  Her way of doing things probably IS best, but my fragile male ego resists strong suggestions about how to complete tasks.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.”

Okay, that’s the man rules.  Now…  Beth and I were on a panel for a marital counseling class at Messiah the other day and this is the summary of what we said that we thought was important in retrospect.  We could call this the “Marriage Rules” but it’s really principles.  To read a more articulate version, check out Beth’s blog.  Some of this is ripped right from it.

1. “Marriage is intended to make you holy, not happy."    But what is so amazing is that when you strive for holiness you somehow find happiness. Marriage is a sanctifying gift.  Funny how that works, huh?  God's kingdom really is upside down.

2.  You can only be loved as much as you are known.  The temptation for so many is to buy into the lie that if I am truly known---all of my secrets, ugliness, sin, darkness---I will not be loved.  Learning to be honest with myself and Beth is one of the greatest things I have learned in marriage.  Beth has pretty much known this all along.

3.  Focus on fixing your own junk and making your spouse happy.  There will be plenty to do in columns A & B.  The temptation in marriage is to focus on all the things that are wrong with your spouse and seek your own happiness (see also 1 above).  Both of THESE efforts are deceitful and futile.  If people could actually make themselves happy through “the pursuit of happiness” our world would be a very different place since most everyone does this naturally.

Not as funny as the “man-rules” but ultimately more satisfying. 

Now the best list of all…

The Matt rules - THE TOP “10” – This is the list of just some of the ways my wife is a “10.”  Opposite of the “man rules,” these are all numbered “10” on purpose to emphasize Beth’s 10-ness.  Why do I call it the “Matt Rules”? Alliteration.  And maybe irony.

10. In the ordinary usage of the word, being a objectifying purely physical rating, yes, Beth is totally a “10.”  For that reason you might never see a picture of her on my blog.  I don’t deserve her, but she’s mine.  You don’t deserve her either but, well… she’s mine.

10. Honesty.  As I said, Beth figured out that being loved and being known go together way before me.  She’s also pretty thick skinned (metaphor bearing no relation to number 10 above).  She’s okay with NOT being liked by everyone.  Take her or leave her, you will know who it is that you are taking or leaving.  I’ll take her. 

10. Humor.  Beth is hilarious.  Become her facebook friend and you’ll find out.  She’s the queen of witty facebook banter.  But I also know she’s funny because one of my first memories of her is hearing her beautiful laugh (her laugh is a 10 too) when I was trying to be funny.  So you KNOW she’s funny.  She says and does funny stuff around the house all the time, cracking us both up.

10.5 – We like the same bands and stuff… (inside joke)

10 & 10. Pursuit of God & Sharp Critical Thinker.  Beth and I are both pretty analytical and critical in our thinking.  I once told Beth that if she wasn’t born in a Christian home, she wouldn’t have ended up a Christian.  Kind of a jackass thing to say, but what I was trying to point out was sociology not theology.  Beth questions everything.  I am WAY more gullible than her.  If I was born in a non-religious home, I might have ended up a Christian if I had a couple close Christian friends.  Sociology.  If Beth was born in a non-religious home, she never would have become a Christian for sociological reasons (that’s a good thing).  And lets face it, worshipping an executed Jewish carpenter as God is only explicable in terms of sociology or theology, both if which deal with power.  Either God did this thing, or people compelled each other to imagine that God did this thing.  With that in mind, Beth has pursued God beyond the limits of easy doubt and criticism.  She is truly a “god wrestler,” like many of the biblical prophets and wise-ones but she has also CHOSEN to suspend judgement and embrace the sociology of the faith, committing herself to be with those who believe unquestioningly and learn from them.  Her critical thinking combined with her humor also allows us to laugh at some of the sillier things that happen in the Christian world, even when other Christians don’t see it, or don’t think its funny.

10.  Frugality.  As I sit here, Beth has finished a weekend of Spring nesting.  My living area is beautifully decorated seasonally and it’s seriously impressive.  Beth does it all by shopping around, mixing and matching, repainting and recycling.

10. Perseverance & Determination

Beth finishes things.   If Beth had a dissertation to write, it would be done.  I need some of these qualities.   Beth takes on a lot of frustrating projects.  She may not finish them when she thought she would, but they WILL be completed.

10. How do say commitment and grace and adaptability all in one?

Graciabilitment?  Beth and I have moved twice from places of stability so that I could take jobs with very limited stability or financial promise. In each place Beth has graciously adapted to her environment and what my life has been, finding us a place to live, making it a home, finding   friends and in one case a great and terrible job that supported us (and actually continues to support us). In each place, various things have consumed me and made me insensitive to Beth.   And she has demonstrated her commitment to me and graciously (grace is not without some fire now and then) called me back to herself.  In this last bit I especially see the image of God in her.

10. Unmentionable.  Anonymous fantastic attribute, you know who you are.  Take a bow.

10. 10 years – See also (Perseverance & Determination and Graciabilitment – its number 10 above).  Beth and I will celebrate 10 years on May 16^th.   A wise man once said, “If I was an alien and came down to study humanity, I would not put you and Matt together in a million years.”  That’s a huge compatibility deficit to overcome.  Thankfully (credit primarily to God, but operating frequently through the woman described in this list) that wise man was wrong, just this once, because for ME, its been a 10.