Church Manliness

A lot of scholars talk about the "feminization" of the church.  Some of them write very insightfully about it and there is undoubtedly some truth to it.  But there is also a lively masculine backlash in some churches.  My church has a large room with lots of sports memorabilia called the "Manzone."  Not really being into sports, its not my decor, but the room is well-packed for our wednesday night group.  The group also takes "fieldtrips" to huge buffets and the NRA museum (guns and gluttony).  Anyway, "Stuff Christians Like" had a guest-blog about Men's Retreats that was pretty funny.  Thought I'd share it.  

Manly Men's Retreats

The Me Monster

So here’s another compulsive thing that’s wrong with guys (ie. ME). One-upmanship is virtually irresistible. Get a group of guys together and the storytelling ensues (see video).
Scars are shown until we’ve established whose injury was most severe. Brian Regan calls it the “Me monster.” In academic jargon, this is called a “pissing contest.”

I suffer from this affliction along with its companions: interrupting people and finishing people’s sentences. Let me give you a “me monster” example. See if you can think of any of your own.

A friend of mine dropped a mike stand on his toe. It was bad. His toe swelled and turned purple. The pressure was so painful he went to doctor friend’s house and had him perform a nasty, bloody little in-home surgery to relieve the pain (I’ll spare details).
So, he was telling this story over lunch one day when he fatally described the incident like this: “It was like I dropped a barbell plate on my toe.” I’m sure he regrets this line.

Why? Good description. A mike stand has a heavy metal disc at the base to keep it from falling over. So what? WELL! Let me tell you!!

Me: (Spoken at slightly louder than he was speaking I’m sure) “I DID drop a barbell plate on my toes!! A 25 pound plate! And I was barefoot and standing on a concrete floor!” (This is also a good one-upmanship story for ANY story about being an idiot)

I watched the wind get sucked out of my friend. His pain and his story had just been invalidated and reduced. For that matter, his basic value as a person who should simply be LISTENED TO when sharing an interesting response to: “How was your weekend?” was nullified by my “better story.”

As Regan points out, the basic message is: I’m better than you. More important, adventurous, successful, stupid… Whatever is getting the attention right now?
I am more of that.

Some people are very gifted story-tellers. People count on them for a good story. Family stories can be important to share. Swapping stories can actually be a fun male-bonding experience. But the compulsion to run over someone with a better story? To not even allow a moment of respect for someone else’s story? To turn ANY sharing of personal information into an opportunity to tell a story about myself? That’s kind of sick and ugly and I want to become secure enough and interested enough in other people to be a listener instead of a “me monster.” I want to stop.

This weekend my family and I walked about 2 miles to Harrisburg’s City Island. There’s a cool little playground there that the kids like and it’s beautiful along the river.
When we got there, Beth and I were talking briefly with a mom who was there with little kids too. She mentioned she lived in Harrisburg and I asked where.
She mentioned a neighborhood slightly closer to City Island than ours and added (almost fatally) “so we rode our bikes.”

I told her what neighborhood we lived in and… just…barely…prevented myself…from saying, “So we WALKED here!”

Yeah! I almost one-upped a mom with two little kids that I’d never met before!

Here’s how it would’ve gone down:
“Oh, you biked did you! Must’ve been nice to have some wheels! Pretty easy bike ride isn’t it! You think you’re green, or economical or healthy or something?!
(You could see the chip on her shoulder a mile away. She definitely said that to prove something). You judging me? Assuming I drove here in a CAR!! DON’T!!!
Cause we WALKED here! We do it ALL THE TIME!!

That mom narrowly escaped a serious drubbing.

God have mercy…

Wild at Heart?

A friend of mine wrote a review of John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart : Discovering the secret of a man's soul. He ripped it to shreds.  I can see his point.  Eldredge tries to identify masculine cultural universals, many of which have to do with a tendency toward violence and aggression. Is Eldredge really qualified to identify "cultural universals"? Even if he is right, are cultural universals to be accepted or fought?  I don't know. 

Here's reality though. When I read the book, I find a shoe that fits. For people like me that prefer to be critical, that's hard but... there it is.  When I read the book, I see myself on many of its pages.  Is that because I'm "wild at heart"?

Actually, its because I'm insecure.

A couple months ago I was on a men's retreat where one of the speakers said, "Women are naturally insecure creatures."
Um... Have you seen men? Why do guys fight? Why do guys strut and posture? Why do guys get drunk BEFORE going to a social event? Why are guys constantly trying to one-up each other with stories of bravado, rebellion and severe injuries.  Because we're confident and secure? Please.

Another men's story: A few weeks ago I was at my church's men's meeting.  The leader was talking about how to form meaningful friendships with other guys.  It was mostly sort of How To Win Friends and Influence People kind of stuff.  Listen.  Ask questions about what other guys are interested in.... 

At my table I said that I thought guys should be more honest with each other about their own struggles instead (not that I'm good at this).
The response from one guy was classic. A pretty "normal guy" (like the rest of us) said "I don't want to share that kind of thing cause I don't know if the guy I'm talking to might have some reason to want to take me down."

Huh?

Was he aspiring to be the Don of a mafia family? Was he running for political office? Was he a professional fighter?

No.  So what exactly was he afraid of?

The most courageous thing a guy can do is simultaneously the thing that intuitively makes us feel the least manly.  Being vulnerable.  

And this is why Wild at Heart is a good book. Because Eldredge is honest about the fact that guys are insecure, vulnerable, wounded, somewhat ridiculous human beings. Oh, don't worry male chauvinists, I know women fit the same description and that's what is so interesting. Men and women have the SAME basic problems in different ways (that's another blog).

I think Eldredge is basically right that modern society largely emasculates men and thats part of why we're insecure.  We WERE made for more than most of what occupies us.
So what are we to do? Buy swords? Play more paintball?  Spend more time outdoors around fire? Lift more weights? Submit less frequently to norms of hygiene? Would that help?

I would say (and I think Eldredge would agree) that in some ways all of those things, while fine (and pretty fun), ultimately sublimate male energy into relatively fruitless and in fact harmless pursuits.  The primitive-warrior obsession drives guys into violent video-games, which yield nothing or finding self-worth in athletic accomplishment, which is ultimately fleeting for all and unattainable for some.  I'm not down on sports, just finding self-worth in them.

And so this is the great adventure I propose. This is the genuinely dangerous battle to be fought. Be honest and vulnerable with some other men.  Our potential to break the emasculating hold of society and do anything that really matters is contingent on our ability to openly identify the things that scare us, that make us feel insecure or inadequate, the things that underlie all of our attempts to appear manly or play at masculinity without making a real difference.  Their power to control us is in the fact that we "can't" talk about them. We need to bring them into the light and let their power be broken.  Then we can stand back and see our lives and determine what it means for us to collectively "man up" in accord who God has made each of us, in our own time and place (not 11th century Scotland).

I hope to give this a shot over the weekend with my brother and another close friend.  Then maybe we'll punch each other and watch Gladiator.